


One is a Lonely Number

by FancyFree2813



Series: Layers (originally named The Goofy Mountie Series [11]
Category: due South
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:34:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26882248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FancyFree2813/pseuds/FancyFree2813
Summary: Ray is lonely and seeks comfort from an unfortunate source. #11 in the Layers Series.
Relationships: Benton Fraser/Margaret Thatcher, Renfield Turnbull/Other
Series: Layers (originally named The Goofy Mountie Series [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954873
Kudos: 1





	One is a Lonely Number

**Author's Note:**

> Even though 'A Truth Once Spoken' is not a part of the 'Layers' series, it introduces a character who is integral to this story. To understand what is going on in this story you should read ‘A Truth Once Spoken’ first.

Ray Kowalski awoke with a shout. He had dreamed of Kerri, the kind of dream that a man should never have about a woman who loved and was loved by his second best friend. It was a very long time before Ray could pull himself together enough to get ready for work. His dream had shaken him to the core, and this was not the first time. However, he could only just now begin to admit where the dream had come from, and he did not like the admission, not one little bit. 

He was supposed to pick Fraser up at the Consulate this morning, but he just didn’t know if he could do it. He knew that if he ran into Turnbull the betrayal of his friend would be written all over his face. In the end he left a message for Fraser saying something had come up.

He hated himself for his growing attraction to Kerri and knew he needed to cancel his evening chess game with her too. There was no one he could turn to, no one to whom he felt he could admit his shameful secret. He’d just have to live with the pain of it. So now, not only was he cold, but he was lonely, and so very empty.

Somewhere in the early afternoon Ray finally realized that he could not live like this. He looked at the mounds of paper on his desk and accepted the fact that he had gotten absolutely nothing done today and knew he would never be able to concentrate on work again. He needed to talk to a friend, needed to just be around someone who could stand his company and bull shit with him. Not talk about anything important, and definitely not about, well not about anything specific, just someone to help warm up the cold that had wrapped itself around his heart. That someone was Fraser. If he hurried he could get in to see Fraser while Turnbull was out for lunch. Turnbull always went home for lunch – who wouldn’t, with someone like Kerri waiting for him?

He parked the GTO in its usual spot and ran into the building he had come to know as well as his own home, the Canadian Consulate. No one was guarding Canada on the outside, and no one was there to welcome him to Canada in the foyer. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Turnbull anywhere to be seen, thank God. But also no Thatcher, or Fraser for that matter. Where was everybody? It was just a fleeting thought as he hurried on to Fraser's office.

He didn’t bother to knock. He never knocked, why should he knock? What he burst in upon taught him, in that one fleeting moment, the importance of the simple action of applying knuckles to wood. What he burst in upon also caused his cold heart to turn over in his chest.

His partner and his friend, his best friend, Constable Benton Fraser had his back to the door, and was hunched over facing his desk. There was another occupant in the room, Ray knew, because he could see a pair of shapely legs wrapped around Fraser’s waist and crossed at the ankles behind his back.

When Fraser turned toward the door in surprise, Ray could see Inspector Thatcher, perched on Fraser’s desk, lips swollen from passionate kissing, and cheeks red from profound embarrassment. Fraser snatched his hands from inside her blouse, as she hurriedly untangled her hold on his Sam Browne. Fraser gulped. “Ah…Ray. I…that is we…”

“Sonofabitch!” Ray turned and hurried out of the Consulate.

Ray sped off in his old, familiar, comfortable GTO. Right now he believed it was the only thing he had left in the world that he could count on, the only thing in his life that was constant, the only thing that he could depend on to not let him down.

He drove around in some vague direction or other for at least an hour, before he realized that he couldn’t see for the tears in his eyes and the pain in his chest. There was nothing he could imagine that could possibly happen to make this day any worse. 

After another hour of aimlessly driving through city traffic he found himself on Madison, just a few blocks from the bookshop. He needed a friend, and even though he knew he had betrayed his second best friend through dreams of Kerri, Ray prayed that Turnbull would be home from work. 

He drove past the shop three times before he could bring himself to park the car. Any other day he would be counting his blessings for finding a parking place right in front, but today he cursed his luck. He wouldn't be able to sit there and argue with himself for very long before one of them noticed him.

'Hell with it!' He slammed the door of his beloved baby and went to find his sole remaining human friend. 

Today was just not poor Ray’s day for luck. Kerri saw him as soon as he walked through the door. First she smiled at him but taking a closer look she frowned deeply. She excused herself from her customer and went to Ray.

“Ray, what's wrong?” Being engaged to a cop, especially the Renfield Turnbull kind of cop, caused Kerri to be alarmed whenever another cop looked at her like this.

Ray shuffled his feet and refused to meet her eyes. “Ah…um…Turnbull here? I need ta talk ta him a sec.”

“No. He called to say something came up –”

“Yeah, right. Sumpthins’s up at the Consulate, all right.”

Kerri did not understand his sarcasm. “Anyway, he’s going to be late. Ray, what’s wrong? How can I help?” 

“I gotta go. I’ll come back some other time –” He turned to leave, but Kerri grabbed his sleeve.

“Oh no, you don’t! Go into the tearoom and sit down. I'll be there in just a minute.”

“Nah, really, I gotta go –”

“No! If I have to carry you, I am not letting you leave here looking like this. You look like you just lost your best friend.” She saw him cringe and was instantly alarmed again. Having police officers for friends was not always easy. “Go in and sit!” She pushed him in the right general direction and went to finish with her customer.

Neither one of them noticed a blonde woman lingering in the mystery section. She was trying to act as inconspicuous as possible while watching and listening to everything that was being said with rapt attention. The woman left the shop just as Kerri was ringing up the last customer’s sale.

When the customer left the shop Kerri placed her ‘I'll be back in 30 minutes’ sign in the window and locked the door. She then took a deep breath and hurried in to see about her friend.

Kerri hurried in to the tearoom to find Ray sitting at the counter, his face buried in his hands. Kerri had never seen him like this, and it scared her. She pulled out the stool next to him and sat quietly for several moments.

“Did ya know Fraser and Thatcher were getting’ it on?” He spoke barely above a whisper.

“Neither one of them told us, but, yes, Renfield and I were pretty sure they are involved.”

“Oh, they’re involved all right. Involved right on his desk!”

“Ray, how –”

“Walked in on ‘em! That’s how! Sonofabitch! He's supposed ta be my best friend. Some friend, couldn’t even a told me. Sonofabitch!”

Kerri was startled, but more confused by Ray’s anger. “I can see being embarrassed at walking in on them, but why are you mad? You know what a private person he is. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to know, or maybe Meg –”

Ray jumped off his stool and started pacing. “He coulda told me! He shoulda told me. Thatcher of all people, the Ice Queen. He been screwin’ her ever since she came ta Chicago?”

“Ray!” Kerri did not at all like Ray’s choice of words or tone regarding her friend. “Meg is my friend, please don’t talk about her that way. I thought you’d made your peace with her.”

Ray buried his head in his hands again. “Sorry.” His reply was so sheepish her heart went out to him. 

Slowly she realized why he was so upset. “Oh Ray, you feel like Benton has betrayed you, don’t you?” She took his hand, to get him to stop climbing the walls, and to offer him some comfort. “And maybe you're right. Maybe he should have told you. Maybe he should have confided in you, trusted you.”

Kerri was still holding his hand as he looked into her eyes. She smiled at him softly and he freaked. He snatched his hand away from her as if he had been scalded. “Holy shit,” he muttered.

He turned away from her and stood trembling in the center of the room, his hands covering his face. “My god, Ray! What is it, what did I say?” She tried to touch his shoulder, but he jerked away from her again.

“I gotta get outta here. I…sorry…I…I…”

Kerri was very close to tears. She knew she had hurt him, but she had no idea why. “Ray, please…I…please don’t go. I don’t know what’s happening here, but I don’t want you to leave this way. If I said something I shouldn’t have, I'm sorry.”

He continued to stand in the center of the room, trembling with his face buried in his hands, for several very long moments. When he finally began to speak Kerri could barely hear him. “You said sumpthin’ bout me thinkin’ Fraser betrayed me. Well, I’ve betrayed my friends too.” Kerri waited silently for him to continue. “I…I’ve fallin’ for my buddy’s lady.”

Kerri was totally shocked. “Meg?”

As he shook his head the awareness blew over Kerri like a chilling wind. “Oh,” she whispered.

After standing in the center of the tearoom for a very long time, totally unsure as to what to do next, Kerri made a decision. She took Ray firmly by the shoulders and pushed him toward at table near the window. “Sit here, and don’t move. If you do I promise you Dickens will…will eat you!” She knew both of them realized the absurdity of that statement, but it was the best threat she could think of on short notice. As she disappeared behind the counter and in to the kitchen, Ray looked up to see the pup sitting in the doorway, smiling at him and wagging his tail. 

“Hungry? Yeah right, dumb dog.” When Dickens whined and turned his back on Ray he knew he had to apologize. “Sorry, only dumb one round here’s me.” Ray thought he’d really done it now, he’d even alienated a dog.

A few minutes later Kerri reappeared with a steaming cup of – something. “Drink this!”

“What –?”

“Just shut up and drink it, and then we're going to have a talk.”

Ray cringed as he drank the tea; at least he hoped it was tea. This day had definitely gotten worse. Now Kerri was going to shout at him. Oh well, he deserved it. Shit! He drank as much as he could, and then awaited his fate. He was in for the second shock of the day.

“Feel better?” When he nodded she had to smile. He looked just like a little boy who knew he was about to get a whippin’ that he more than justly deserved. When she took a firm hold on his hand and smiled at him he looked like he might fall out of his chair.

She spoke to him in the sweetest, softest voice he had ever heard. “Let's see if we can sort this whole thing out, okay? First of all, Benton did not betray you. He fell in love; at least I hope it’s love. There is no one I know who deserves to have someone in his life more than Benton, and if you’d think about it a minute, I know you’d feel that way too. It’s too bad that you had to find out the way you did. I think if you were to take the time to analyze the way you feel you might realize that you are jealous –”

“No way –”

“Sorry, poor choice of words. Envious, not of who he’s with, but that he has someone to share his life. Someone to warm the cold places in his heart.” 

Ray had to admit she’d come pretty close to the mark with that one. Kerri smiled as she saw something close to a concession cross his face.

“I think you should give him ‘what for’ for not telling you, but be happy for him, Ray. He needs your approval.” She continued to hold his hand tightly, trying her best to impart reassurance for the hard part to come. She took a deep breath and her smile faded away. “As for ‘fallin’ for your buddy’s lady’…you don’t love me, Ray.”

He was about to interrupt but thought better of it. “I think…I think you love the…the ‘idea” of me. You see Renfield and me together, happy, loving each other in a very special way and wish it could be you.” He turned away from her eyes, but she would not release his hand. “You and Stella were very happy of a long time, weren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you think you could be in love…in love with love, and not with me?” Kerri struggled to maintain the hold on his hand, as he tried to pull away. “You loved having someone to be close to.”

Ray finally freed his hand and was instantly pacing again. He ran his hands through his hair as the wheels of his mind turned furiously. “I dunno, maybe yer right. I just know I would never do anything’ ta hurt Turnbull or you. You guys are the best friends I ever had. Sides, I could never do nuthin’ ta attract a beautiful lady like you.”

“Thank you, and you’re wrong. About not being able to attract a beautiful lady that is –”

“Yeah, right!”

Kerri sighed as she shook her head. “Before I met Renfield every man I knew thought he was God’s gift to women. Now I know three of the most attractive men in Chicago, or the world for that matter, and none of you has a clue as to how attractive you are. What is this, something they put in the water?”

Ray believed she was serious. “Yeah, Fraser ‘n Turnbull are okay, but I’m just a scrawny –”

“Lithe, agile, graceful –”

“Butt faced –”

“With intense blue eyes, an engaging smile and a fascinatingly handsome face –”

“With experimental hair…”

Kerri looked at the top of his head. “Okay, I’ll concede the hair…but I’d be more than happy to buy you a comb.” For the first time since he’d come in to the shop, Ray smiled. 

“It’s just that Renfield and I have been blessed, or very lucky, depending on what you believe. But I’m 30 something years old, Ray, and it’s taken me this long to find someone I could trust enough to love. I had honestly given up ever thinking that would happen. I had to try to learn how to be alone, but not lonely.”

“Did ya ever –”

Kerri knew she had to be honest. “No, I was lonely right up until the day I met Renfield. But I think that’s why I understand the way you’re feeling. When you and Stella were together you were complete, and now there’s a hole in your life that you’re longing to fill.” She looked him straight in the eye. “It just can’t be with me. But I will never stop being your friend.”

Someone knocking on the bookshop door brought both of them back to the reality of this day and this place. “I’ve got to go back to work.” She grabbed his hand again. “Promise me you’ll talk to Benton. Don’t let his need for love come between the two of you. You make the best partnership Chicago has ever seen.”

As she turned back toward the bookshop Ray stopped her. “Please, don’t tell Turnbull? Bout how dumb I am?”

Kerri smiled and nodded. “It’s not dumb to care about people, Ray. Besides, I’m kind of flattered.”

Ray left as she let the impatient customer in. She watched as he drove away and said a silent prayer. “Watch over our friend, Lord. He needs Your help. Please keep him safe.”

Neither Kerri nor Ray noticed the small white car that pulled away from the curb, right behind the GTO. 

The aimless driving began again as Ray tried to process all that he and Kerri had talked about. She was right about Fraser, in fact she was probably right about all of it. He wasn’t mad at Fraser anymore, now he was mad at himself. Mad for reacting the way he did when he interrupted them, and – God, he still couldn’t believe Fraser was doin’ Thatcher. For not the first time today he mentally chastised himself. Fraser had found someone to care about, and he’d try to be happy for him. Like Kerri said, he’d give Fraser ‘what for’ for not telling him, but he’d be glad for him. He just hoped Fraser could forgive him for acting like such a jerk.

He wasn’t so sure that Kerri was right about his feelings for her, however. Those dreams had – NO! He wasn’t going to think about that. If he had to wrap this car around a light pole, he wasn’t going to think about that. It was almost totally dark when Ray finally reached the inescapable conclusion. 

“I suck!”

And the small white car still followed him.

____________________________________

Ordinarily Ray avoided these kinds of places like the plague. But after he decided what he was going to do, this was the first place he saw where he was sure none of his friends would look for him.

So now he sat at the bar, in the Encounters Lounge of Stetson’s Chop House at the Hyatt Regency Hotel. If Ray had tried he could not have selected a better place to be in direct opposition to his personality. The guy at the piano played something, he couldn’t remember the name, by the Carpenters. But this was exactly what Ray wanted, the Carpenters, and enough shots of Jack Daniels to torture himself into oblivion.

As he sat there pondering the fiasco of a day that had started miserably and only gotten worse, Ray came to two inescapable conclusions; Fraser would probably never speak to him again, and Turnbull, well Turnbull was probably hunting for him right now – with a gun.

He hadn’t been there very long, but he could tell the bartender, Henry, was hesitant to serve him any more. Ray took out a room key and slammed it down on the counter. “See, buddy, room 1412’s my designated driver. Keep em comin’, and alls ya gotta do ish pour me inta dis room.”

Henry’s attitude changed considerably. This guy looked like some bum, in off the street, but if he was a guest of the hotel, well then it didn’t matter how he dressed. “Are you sure you want another, Sir? Maybe some coffee instead?”

“Straight up and keep em comin’ ‘til I slide off dish stool.”

Henry figured a couple more, and he’d call José, the bell captain, to escort their guest up the private elevator.

He needn’t have worried.

Henry had watched the blonde come in to his lounge shortly after the guy at the bar. Wasn’t much going on in the place yet and he was a sucker for blondes. This lady wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, but not that hard on the eyes either, kinda short, but nice legs, and really great hair. He wondered briefly why she was alone. 

She sat by the piano, listening to the music, sipping white wine, and watching the guy at the bar. Henry sized people up quickly, a talent he prided himself on, and he could tell this lady wasn’t a working girl, high priced or otherwise. But something was definitely up with her. He’d keep a close eye on the situation; he sure didn’t want any sort of trouble in his place.

Henry did have something in common with the blonde, he was also keeping a close eye on the guy at the bar. “I really think you’ve had enough –”

“Look, toll ya, Jack’s only ffriend I gots…”

The woman had been watching the guy at the bar for quite awhile. Just as Henry was deciding she was just enjoying the view, she picked up her wine and came to sit next to the guy. Henry watched them out of the corner of his eye.

Ray didn’t look up as she sat next to him. But by now he probably wouldn’t have been able to focus on her anyway.

“I know for a fact that you have many friends. I also know you are going to make yourself very ill, drinking that much of that stuff.”

Ray could not make out her face, but the voice was very familiar. “Yeah, well, zats za idear.” His shaky hands raised the glass and he downed the contents.

“Ray, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Look, who ezer you zare,,,” Ray tried his best to focus on her face, but he just couldn’t see through the haze. Very slowly he did come to recognize her voice. “Hija, Doc.” He was suddenly having a great deal of trouble maintaining his perch on the barstool.

Jeanette closed her eyes and sighed. “Hello, Ray. Ah, Henry? Could you bring my self destructive friend here some very black coffee? She looked at her pitiful friend. “It won’t sober you up, but it will give your liver a little time to work on processing all that alcohol.” She grabbed Ray by the upper arm and slid him off the stool. “Let’s go sit in a booth, it’s a lot closer to the floor.”

Once Ray was on his feet he had a different idea. “Wanna dansh.” He tried to spin her around, but found the world already spinning. The combination almost sent him sprawling on to a nearby table.

“I think sitting is a much better idea.” With only minimal cooperation Jeanette struggled to fold Ray into the nearest booth. As a doctor she knew it was anatomically impossible for the human body to bend the way Ray’s was. She fought to keep him standing, as she fought to sit him down. “Ray, bend your knee!”

“Yam.”

“Not that one, this one! I’m not going to be able to hold you up much longer! You are going to have to help me. I can’t hold you, you’re going to fall. Ray cooperate – Detective Vecchio, SIT!” So he did. Except he missed the booth. It was necessary for Henry to help her lift the body, that had become as rigid as jell-o, and tuck him in to the proper place.

“Drink this.”

Ray took one sip of the offensive liquid. “Want –”

“Shut up and drink it!” Ray frowned at her – hadn’t someone else said that to him today? He just couldn’t remember who.

Jeanette frowned at Ray. She had known the moment she saw him in that bookstore that he was in trouble, and she was going to help him if she could. At least she could keep him from killing himself with alcohol. She had let him drink just enough that she knew he would be really sick. But that was okay, it would probably do him a lot of good. She continued to force him to drink coffee until she could see his haze clearing just slightly. “Well, you’re still drunk, but at least you’re a wide awake drunk. Why don’t we go up to your room, you need to lie down.”

He leered at her. “Ya comin’ too?”

Jeanette’s frown deepened. “Yeah, I’m coming, but not for that. Trust me, you wouldn’t be able to do ‘that’ right now any way.”

Henry helped them to the private elevator, and in a very short time they were in room 1412.

Ray passed out immediately upon making contact with the bed. Jeanette breathed a sigh of relief that he had waited that long. She also breathed a sigh of relief that there were two beds in this room. It was going to be a very long night, and she sure didn’t want to waste any of it fighting off the drunken advances of Ray Vecchio.

She turned the TV on but kept the volume low. She smiled at that, knowing that nothing would be bothering him for awhile. She occupied her mind with some inane sitcom as she relaxed on the bed next to Ray’s. But her mind didn’t stay focused on the TV for long. She couldn’t help but stare at Ray and wonder what had happened to upset him so much.

Jeanette had purposely avoided Ray, Ben and Meg after they returned to Chicago. Lord, it had been almost a year since the fire and their hasty trip to Yellowknife after Ben! She hadn’t realized it had been that long. So many things had happened to her in the last year, she could hardly begin to recount them all.

Everything that was good and healing in her life had been initiated by the man lying on the bed next to her. He had forced her to face her past and admit to another human being all the crap that had happened to her. Once she had talked to Ray, she found it so much easier to seek the professional help she needed to come to terms with what she had been through.

Even though everyone she knew had told her how much she had changed, she only had to look in a mirror to know the truth. Ray was instrumental in that too. She owed him, big time, and now it was time for payback.

Avoiding the three of them had been easy once they returned to Chicago. There wasn’t much reason for their paths to cross anyway. She realized now that she should have kept in touch, but she was so damned embarrassed by what Ray knew about her, she found avoiding him much easier than facing the knowing look in his eyes. And she wasn’t sure just how much Ray had told Meg, or Ben, for that matter. So, yeah, avoidance was just easier. But as her healing progressed she had thought more and more about Ray and began to think about seeing him again.

She watched him, sprawled out on his stomach. The last time she’d seen him she had made him a promise. She would talk to a professional about her problems and visit her pastor. She’d kept her promise, and God had blessed her for it. She had found her faith again and experienced the healing power of prayer. And right now she knew that God had led her to that bookshop today. 

She smiled as she remembered running head long into the Mountie that day in the medical building. She was getting off the elevator, and he was so upset he hadn’t seen her. The result had been research papers flying all over the hallway. Even though her appearance had changed, and he wasn’t wearing his uniform, they both recognized each other immediately. 

He was the Constable at the Consulate the day they had discovered that Ben was sick, the emotional one. And she was the serious, no nonsense doctor who had gone up north to help save Constable Fraser. He was worried about his girlfriend, who was there for her last checkup after an emergency hysterectomy, and she was preoccupied with her latest research findings. They became instant friends.

While waiting for Kerri to finish with her appointment, Renfield and Jeanette fell into a discussion of all that had transpired in that little cabin that belonged to Sgt. Frobisher. They also told each other of the changes in their lives over the past year. Renfield told her of the way Kerri had drawn him out of hiding within himself, and basically saved his life. Jeanette confided to Renfield that Ray had done a very similar thing for her. And she regretted not keeping in touch with all of them, especially Ray. Renfield had smiled a very curious smile and given her a hand written business card with the address of his new bookstore, with their private apartment upstairs. Then he told her that Ray always played chess with Kerri on Friday nights.

Renfield had brought her to the bookstore, but God had brought her there on this particular day. She wasn’t sure why Renfield wanted her to see Ray again but looking at Ray she sure could tell why God did.

Several hours later Ray began to stir, and Jeanette knew that the tough part was about to begin. He barely made it to the bathroom, Jeanette close behind him, as he began to throw up the contents of his stomach.

Jeanette sat on the edge of the tub, first holding his head, and then wiping his face with a wet cloth, but Ray struggled against her help. “Don’t want nobudy seein’ me like this.”

“Trust me, I’ve seen worse. Hell, I’ve been worse. You’re not showing me anything new.”

Before he could object Ray emptied more contents from his stomach. Jeanette rubbed his back and softly admonished him. “Why would anyone want to put themselves through this? It’s criminal.” But she of all people knew the answer to that.

Ray could not respond as he heaved into the toilet once again. Jeanette just shook her head and wiped his brow.

A long time later she helped him back into bed. She stripped off his jeans and got him under the covers. When he began to shiver, she covered him with another blanket and watched him closely. When she realized that he was still cold she stripped off her sweater and climbed in next to him. She pulled him close to her and laid her sweater over him, as she held him tightly against her chest, much like a mother would hold her child. He drew enough warmth from her body to stop shivering, without ever realizing she was holding him.

They slept that way for the rest of the night.

When Ray awoke he had no idea where he was. But as long as he died soon, he really didn’t care. Sure, he’d been hung over before, but it was a long time ago, when he was a whole lot younger, and it sure as hell didn’t feel like this! Someone had scoured his throat with steel wool, and then left the damn stuff in his mouth. He wondered vaguely if it was the same person who kicked him in the stomach and left him for dead. But as long as he died soon, it really didn’t matter.

He lay in bed; at least he thought it was a bed, for a really long time. He’d wait for it to stop spinning before he even attempted to get up. While he lay there, waiting for the Grim Reaper to get him, someone let themselves in to his room. But as long as he died soon, he didn’t care who it was.

The person started yelling at him. Why the hell was she yelling? She was so loud he couldn’t understand what she was saying. “Shut up!” Holy shit, now he was yelling! His ears hurt, his eyes hurt, his throat hurt, his stomach really hurt, but most of all his hair hurt. Can hair hurt? Well, his did.

Jeanette came and sat on the bed next to him. “Jeez, don’t rock the boat!” Aw, God that hurt! 

“Ray, you need to drink this. And I’ve got some dry toast for you to eat –”

“Don’t want nuthin’…”

She spoke softly, but firmly, to him. “You’re dehydrated, Ray. It’s important that you drink this and get something into your stomach. Please, Ray, I promise you will feel better if you do.”

He sat up very slowly and did as he was told. She lied to him, however, he did not feel any better, and he told her so. “This stuff takes like sh –”

“Ray! It’s made for little kids, if they can drink it and not complain, I would certainly think a big, strong police detective like you could stand it just this once.”

“I’ll drink it, but I won’t like it.”

“That's my big, strong Ray. Now, eat the toast.”

As Ray got a little nourishment in to his abused body he began to remember some of the events of the preceding day, and he was not pleased with what he remembered. Jeanette could tell by the pained look on his face that now might be a very good time to talk.

“Why don’t you tell me about it?”

“‘Bout what?”

“Come on Ray, you’re talking to the master of deception here. I can tell from twenty paces when someone is trying to bury something.” She raised her eyebrows in thought. “Let’s see… ‘I got two good ears, if ya wanna talk about it’. It helped me, let me return the favor?”

Ray frowned at the irony of having his words tossed back at him. For the first time he looked at Jeanette, and really saw what he was looking at. “Hey, you look…real…good! Really…good.” Gone were the coke bottle bottom glasses and the severe hair. In place of them were soft hazel eyes and long, lovely pale blonde hair, tied at the back of her neck with a black ribbon. But it was not what was missing that looked so good, it was something that had been added. Ray just wasn’t sure what that was. “I don't know what it is, but I like it.”

“You can’t avoid my question with compliments, Sir. But thank you.” When she smiled Ray knew instantly what the added something was. She wasn’t hiding any more. The openness and warmth just oozed out of her.

He smiled at her, but in doing so he realized even his cheeks hurt. He moaned. “I helped, huh?” He felt kind of proud that he had helped bring about the changes in Jeanette. "That’s…great.”

“You helped a lot. I know I wouldn’t have ever gotten this far without your help. I owe you a great deal, I’m just sorry I waited so long to tell you.”

“Speakin’ a that. How’d ya know how ta find me? Just luck?”

Jeanette grinned at him and he felt his cold heart warm a little. “Nope, I followed you.”

“Followed? From where?”

“I saw you in the bookstore and I could tell you were in trouble. So I just kind of hung around and…and followed you.”

“So it was just luck, sorta.” Ray wasn’t sure why that disappointed him.

“Well, not exactly. Renfield told me you came to play chess there on Fridays.”

Turnbull. Now why didn’t that surprise him? Nothing Turnbull did surprised him any more. Sometimes he felt they all were in the Twilight Zone and Turnbull was that Serling guy, kinda pulling the strings. Thinking about Turnbull naturally brought him around to thinking about Kerri, and he suddenly couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Jeanette watched as Ray silently withdrew from her, but she was not about to let that happen. “Tell me what’s up.”

”No big deal, really, I –”

“Anything that drives someone like you to seek alcoholic oblivion has got to be a big deal. Tell me, please?”

“Yer not gonna let it drop, are ya?”

“Would you?”

Ray cringed, he knew she had him with that one. He hung his aching head. “Can’t ya wait ‘til I feel better? My head feels like it’s gonna splode.”

“Trust me, I’m a doctor, and I know that won’t happen.” She went to her bag and dug out two pills. “Take these and start talking.”

Ray thought there sure were a bunch a women given him a whole lot of orders lately. And he just kept doing what they were telling him. Kind of like being married to Stella. He frowned and his hair started hurting again. “What’s in ‘em, truth serum?”

“Aspirin. Now tell me what’s got your shorts in a knot.”

Ray started to laugh, and the whole list of hurts started hurting all over again. “Aw, man, what ya have ta go an make me laugh for…”

“I’ll make you laugh again if you don’t start talking –”

“Okay, okay…but I don’t know what ta say. Sumbudy just took a whole bunch a bad days ‘n tossed ‘em in a pot and then dumped ‘em all over me. And that was just yesterday.” Jeanette moved quietly to sit next to him. “Found out my buddy was…” He remembered Kerri's reprimand about what he should and better yet should not say about his friend. “He’s involved with someone ‘n didn’t tell me.”

He expected Jeanette to make some sort of comment about it no being any of his business, but she just continued to listen. “You know ‘em, Fraser and Thatcher? I didn’t have no idea, just walked in on ‘em.” Ray could no longer sit still. Unlike Jeanette, who had to hide in the darkness to reveal her secrets, Ray had to pace. But just like Jeanette had done a year ago, once Ray started to talk, everything came out.

“Been havin’ dreams,” he began reluctantly as he ran his hands through his hair.

No wonder it stands up like that, Jeanette thought, it’s all that static electricity.

“You know, those kinda dreams? But it’s always bout my other buddy’s lady. Makes me feel like a total perv. Went ta see Fraser ta talk ta him, but he was…occupied with Thatcher.” Ray stopped at the far end of the room and turned to look at Jeanette. “I thought I was in love with her. Told her so. He’s prob’ly lookin’ fer me with a gun. I so suck!”

Jeanette wasn’t quite sure what to say. His loneliness hung over him like a big black cloud. She prayed for guidance.

And so got it. “So, let me get this straight. You’re a lonely guy, hungry for some female companionship, who walked in on his best friend and a woman? I don’t understand the problem. If you’re upset with Ben, you’re right. He should have told you, or at least warned you not to barge in on him. And as for your other friend’s lady, is she the one in the bookstore? Renfield’s girlfriend?”

Ray nodded as he hung his head.

“What did she say when you told her?”

Ray exhaled deeply. “Said I didn’t really love her, just wanted ta have someone, and she was there.”

Jeanette’s heart broke for him. He looked so forlorn, and all he could do was watch his friends be happy. “She sounds pretty smart. She’s also a very beautiful woman, no wonder you dream about her. There’s a really handsome Canadian actor I dream about quite often myself. Have you ever tried to act on those dreams, ever tried to steal her away from your friend?”

Ray’s aching head snapped up in defense. “Of course not! I’d never try ta do sumpthin’ like that!”

“So there you have it. I’m not trying to make light of how you feel, Ray. It’s just that none of this stuff’s your fault. You’re just a loyal friend, who was hurt and embarrassed, and maybe just a little resentful, of something someone else did. And like I said before, a lonely guy who is having perfectly natural dreams.” She put her arm around him as he collapsed next to her. “I do have a prescription for you though, if you want it.”

Ray was still dejected, but also curious. “What?”

“How about spending a platonic weekend at the Hyatt Regency with a mildly attractive, completely unattached doctor of the female persuasion, who also just happens to be lonely herself? We could catch a show, have dinner in a nice restaurant, and, if you promise not to fall on your face, we could even try a little dancing?”

Ray grinned until his cheeks hurt. “Lady, ya got yerself a date. Thanks.”

“Hey, don’t thank me yet. I still haven’t told you how I happened to be at the bookstore on this particular Friday! There’s Someone watching over you…and it’s not just me.”

____________________________________

While Ray spent the rest of the morning sleeping off the effects of the previous night’s bender, Jeanette made a couple of phone calls and ran a few errands. Going first to her office and then to her apartment, she sighed at the state she had allowed her personal belongings to sink too. It took her ten minutes to unearth something acceptable to wear for an evening of dinner and dancing. She promised herself she would not allow things to get this bad after she moved.

She smiled in supreme satisfaction as she entered Ray’s apartment. Someone who was just as big a slob as she was! She knew she liked this guy. After searching his apartment for quite awhile she finally found his razor under the kitchen sink, and what she hoped were a clean pair of jeans folded under a pile of newspapers on what she assumed was the kitchen table. She actually found a really nice looking black leather blazer hanging in his closet. She never did find a comb, but that didn’t surprise her, she was fairly sure he didn’t own one.

When she finally returned to the Hyatt it was getting close to lunchtime. She hadn’t thought about food since she had first seen Ray in the bookshop yesterday evening, and now she realized she was starving. She hoped Ray was feeling well enough to have lunch with her. 

Jeanette fully expected him to still be sleeping when she entered the room. She was extremely surprised to find Ray awake and dressed, and a room service tray sitting on the table.

Ray grinned broadly at her. “Hiya, doc. Hope ya like tuna salad on whole wheat. I figured you’d be hungry, I sure was. I thought about orderin’ soup, in honor of our last weekend together, but I was pretty sure you’d be hungrier than that.”

“I'm starved, and this is great. Were you able to eat?” The physician in her could not help but be concerned.

“Yep. I usually go fer cold pizza,” when he saw her cringe he grinned again, “but somehow that didn’t sound very good today. So I ate the cheese hot –”

“Ray, you didn’t have –”

“I had a grilled cheese sandwich and a tall cold one.”

Jeanette didn’t know him well enough yet to be able to tell if he was teasing her. When his grin got even broader she relaxed.

“Water. I had a glass a water. I remembered ya said I was dehy…dehydrated.” Jeanette returned his grin as she sat down to inhale the tuna sandwich. 

While Jeanette finished off the sandwich, French fries, and a really good dill pickle, Ray took a shower and made himself presentable. As Jeanette expected, he didn’t miss not having a comb.

She was surprised, however, at how much better he looked. “It always amazes me how the human body can repair itself, even with all the abuse we inflict on ourselves.”

“I hope ya know I don’t do stuff like this very much. In fact, the last time I was really drunk was when I was bout twenty.” He also agreed with her, he was feeling a lot better. “Looks like ya liked the sandwich.”

“Sure did. How about some fresh air? Want to take a walk?”

When he did not respond, Jeanette wondered if he was tiring of her presence. “Ray, would you rather not spend the weekend with me? I’ll certainly understand, it might not have been such a good idea –”

“No! I’m,” he looked at her with that sheepish little boy look that warmed her heart, “I’m lookin’ forward ta it. It’s just, well, I was thinkin’ bout all the dumb stuff I did yesterday, and not just the gettin’ drunk part. Fraser's prob’ly never gonna speak ta me again, and Turnbull, well he’s probably still lookin’ for me with a gun.” He stood by the window, looking just like a small child who firmly believed he had lost his best friend.

Jeanette smiled broadly at him. “Oh, he was looking for you all right, but not with a gun. He and Ben spent the better part of the night searching for you. Kerri told them you were in trouble, and they were very worried.”

“How –”

“I made some phone calls this morning. I called Renfield because I was sure he would be worried about you. You did a good job of hiding from them, Renfield said they never even considered looking for you in a downtown hotel.” Ray looked at her as if he were waiting for the other shoe to drop. “They’re not mad at you, Ray. They’re your friends, and true friends will forgive anything, well, almost anything. Renfield said Ben feels very badly that you discovered, ah, what you discovered.”

Ray was actually kind of proud that he was able to elude ‘Super Mountie’ and his sidekick Mountie Turnbull, but sorry that they were worried about him. “Turnbull doesn’t wanna kill me?”

Jeanette almost hugged him. “Ray, can you imagine someone as sweet as Renfield wanting to kill anyone?”

Ray thought of a fairly recent trip to Vancouver, and a scene in the 27th Precinct interview room, where the ‘Big Guy’ had intimidated the hell out of a kidnapper. Jeanette obviously didn't know Turnbull as well as she thought she did. ‘Sweet’? Not hardly! “He can surprise ya sometimes.”

“I don’t think Kerri told him the details of your visit. And I think she’s right, there are some things just better left unsaid. Now, let’s go for that walk.”

____________________________________

Ray and Jeanette walked for miles that afternoon. There was still a slight winter chill in the air, but it was a beautifully clear, sunny day. They walked the side streets from the hotel to the lake and strolled aimlessly along the lakefront.

They watched the joggers and tourists, still a rather small gathering for this early in the year and marveled at the shorts most of them wore. Jeanette silently wished she had the long shapely legs for the short shorts many of the women runners wore. Ray thought that running for exercise was basically a snooze. Give him a good boxing ring any day of the week.

They had agreed to see a movie this afternoon, and it became obvious to both of them what they were meant to see as they approached the Bijoux Theatre, just off of Wacker. The theatre was renowned for its film festivals, and this week they were showing a retrospective of Bogart, who just happened to be a favorite of both of them. ‘Casablanca’ was just starting as they juggled popcorn and sodas to find a seat in the darkened theatre. 

“This place uses real butter!” Ray was thrilled. Jeanette punched him in the arm when he ordered extra butter, but it had done absolutely no good. Ray was a popcorn with his butter kind of guy.

Even though both of them had seen the movie many times, they still sighed and laughed and cried in all the right places, and silently hoped for the happy ending they knew would never come. Jeanette still had tears in her eyes as the last of the credits rolled and the house lights came up.

Ray wasn’t surprised to see tears in her eyes, he knew it was a chick thing, even Stella cried during Hallmark commercials. He just didn’t like to see Jeanette crying, something told him there had been far too many tears in her life. He tried to smile at her as they made their way out of the theatre. “You okay?”

She wiped the tears with the back of her hand, somewhat embarrassed to have anyone see them. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just wish that damn movie ended differently. I know it’s just a dumb movie, but I just – Don't you laugh at me Ray Vecchio!” 

Ray two stepped through the small crowd of people to get away from her, laughing all the way. Jeanette chased him, but not being quite as agile, almost mowed down an elderly man coming in to the theatre. She could still see Ray about twenty feet away doubled over with laughter at her clumsiness. The path between them cleared and Jeanette was upon him before he realized it. As suddenly as she was upon him, he had a half-full bucket of buttered popcorn dumped on his head.

“Hey! This stuff’s greasy – yuk.”

Jeanette stayed out of reach and laughed. “It's better for you on the outside that it is on the inside! Score one for Jeannie –” Jeanette's mood changed suddenly, and she stood dead still.

Ray had seen that look before, but it had been almost a year. “Jeanette? What is it? You okay?” He went to her very slowly and put his arm around her shoulders very carefully.

“It's just…just that I haven’t thought of myself as Jeannie…in a very long time.” Ray could see her retreat within herself for just a moment. When she came back to him she was slightly shocked. “Oh, Ray, I’m sorry. We were having such a good time, and I’ve ruined it.”

“Nah. Ya just got me all greasy. Ya gettin’ hungry?”

“Ray, you just ate one and a half huge buckets of popcorn. How could you possibly be hungry?”

“Okay, okay, so I got a hollow leg or sumpthin’.” Ray would have never told her but being hungry was the first thing he could think of to change the subject.

They made their way toward the Navy Pier as the sky was turning pale pinks and oranges. By the time they had the Pier in sight the lights of the Ferris wheel were just beginning to illuminate the night sky.

After several minutes of walking Jeanette still seemed slightly subdued. “I’m sorry if I’m being a wet blanket, Ray.”

Ray still had his arm protectively around her shoulders and felt her shiver. “Ya gettin’ cold? Maybe we should be headin’ back.” As they walked by a small café Ray smiled and bolted inside.

Jeanette barely had time to wonder what in the world he was doing when he reappeared, with a toothpick clinched between his teeth. “Ya up fer a little danshing and dining shweet art?”

Jeanette laughed until she thought she would cry. “That has got to be the worst Bogart impression I have ever heard.” Lousy impression or not it had made Jeanette laugh, and that was all Ray cared about.

It was almost completely dark and the temperature had dropped considerably, so Ray and Jeanette decided to take a cab back to the hotel. Twenty minutes later they were back in room 1412.

____________________________________

Ray watched her closely as Jeanette emerged from the bathroom, changed and ready for their evening. He remembered the first day he had met her and how unattractive he thought she was. Man, was he wrong! She had changed from jeans and a sweatshirt to an almost sexy black dress. Almost because it wasn’t overly short or low cut, but it did leave a lot to the imagination. What was attractive about her though were her hazel eyes. There were worry lines at the corners, from dealing with a horrible past, Ray guessed, but they weren’t hidden behind the thick glasses any more. You could see the, he wasn’t sure what the right word was, peace he guessed, shining through those eyes.

As he studied her more closely, he decided that her eyes might be her best feature, but her hair ran a real close second. She hadn’t tied it back tonight, and he remembered the time in Frobisher’s cabin when she had reminded him of an angel. The light shining from behind her now made her pale blond hair shimmer, almost as if it were a halo. Damn, she was pretty. Not beautiful, at least not like in a movie or something, but pretty. Yeah, really pretty. He smiled at the thought.

“Very nice. Ya look really, really…nice.” He was surprised to see her blush.

Jeanette was taken aback. She couldn’t ever remember receiving such a sincere compliment. “Thank you, Ray. I don’t have much occasion to wear this dress. I bought it for a banquet I couldn’t get out of. I don’t think I’ve worn it since.”

Now it was her turn to scrutinize him. “You clean up pretty good too, you know?” Ray had changed into the black jeans and leather jacket Jeanette had scrounged up from his apartment and was also wearing a crisp white shirt they had bought during their earlier walk. Jeanette thought Stella was a very foolish woman, to let someone like this man get away from her. “You look very handsome.”

Well, they had succeeded in embarrassing each other. Apparently neither one of them was used to compliments, and silence hung heavy in the room.

Ray started to laugh. “We’re pathetic, ya know?”

“Let’s get out of here. Now I’m the one who’s hungry. Let’s eat.”

They decided to eat at the Chop House. Ray thought it was some kind of Kung Fu/Karma thing that it was named Stetson’s. “Fraser’d get a kick outta this.”

For the first time in 24 hours Ray could think of Fraser without any regrets and thinking of Fraser and Thatcher together didn’t make him shudder. Jeanette watched him and grinned. “Your thinking about Ben and Meg, aren’t you?”

Ray was slightly chagrined. “Yeah, well so what? They’re my friends.”

Jeanette’s grin broadened. “They are your friends, both of them.”

They ate their steaks in companionable silence. They had spent most of the day talking and suddenly seemed to run out of words. But they knew each other very well by now, all the ugly stuff, and all the wonderful things that made them both such unique human beings.

Ray was surprised at how much Jeanette ate. Obviously, no one had ever told him it was impolite to comment on a woman’s appetite. “Where do ya put it all?”

“Hmm?”

“How can one woman, as little as you, eat so much? Most women I see eat like birds cause they're afraid a gettin’ fat.” Stella and Frannie were right at the top of that list.

“Are you saying I’m fat?”

Uh oh. “God, no!” Ray had seen TV shows and commercials that started just like this conversation. He’d dug a hole, now he’d have to be sure he didn’t bury himself. “I think ya got a great figure.” One he’d like to see more of, actually. “And I’m gonna shut up before I shove my foot even farther inta my mouth.”

Jeanette certainly liked getting compliments from Ray. If she’d stopped to think about it, getting compliments from anyone felt kind of nice. “Okay, you’re off the hook. Are you going to make any comment if I order dessert?”

“What da ya think I am, stupid? Don’t answer that!” They both laughed and ordered chocolate cheesecake.

____________________________________

After they finished off two pieces of ‘death by chocolate’ cheesecake, Ray and Jeanette went in to the Encounters Lounge to listen to the music. The bar was much busier tonight than it had been last evening, but Henry did see them come in. They made a nice looking couple. He had thought the guy looked like a bum, but he was looking pretty good tonight. Lady looked good too, the black dress really set off that hair. She could do ads for shampoo or something, with hair like that.

“How you folks doing tonight?” Henry looked pointedly at Ray, who didn’t seem any the worse for his over indulgence of last night.

“We’re fine. How bout a couple of glasses of sparkling water, for now?” Jeanette smiled in agreement and wondered what Ray would have ordered if she hadn’t been there.

It didn’t take long before Jeanette noticed Ray moving to the sensual beat of the music. It only took a little longer for him to stand and offer her his hand. Within seconds he was holding her closely to him, as they moved around the dance floor.

Ray was amazed at how well their bodies fit. Jeanette was much shorter, but her body molded to his, as if they were made for each other. They did not return to their seats when the waiter brought their drinks. In fact, they did not return to their seats again until a full five minutes after the band finished their first set. They danced to a music all their own.

When they finally came back to themselves, Jeanette hurried them back to their booth. Ray thought she seemed a little edgy. “I’m sorry Ray, I think I must be a little tired. Would you mind if we called it a night?”

“Course not. You didn’t get much sleep watchin’ out fer me last night. Let’s go up.”

They walked slowly back to room 1412, both feeling tired but happy. Ray was more relaxed than he had been in, well, he couldn’t remember ever feeling so content. And Jeanette was warm inside with the feeling of friendship that she felt for Ray. She could not remember ever feeling so comfortable with another person.

Ray unlocked the door and let her enter first. She reached for the light switch, but a gentle masculine hand caught hers, before she could turn on the lights. Ray took her hand and slowly turned her to face him. He slid his other hand under her hair and behind her neck, to bring her mouth to meet his.

He loved the feel of her body against his, and her lips gently caressing his. But when he let his tongue glide swiftly along her lips, Jeanette recoiled and jumped out of his arms. Ray was so shocked he didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry Ray, I...” 

He regained his power of speech long enough to interrupt. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean ta scare you. That was a really dumb thing ta do,” he whispered. He looked at her face in the semi-darkness and wanted to kick himself. “I’m so sorry I scared you…”

Jeanette sighed deeply. “Ray, you didn’t do anything wrong. I really didn’t mean to lead you on, I really didn’t. It’s just that I was having such a good time. It’s not you, it’s me.”

“What’s wrong, Jeannie?” he whispered. She hesitated just long enough for him to feel the need to press her. “Please?”

She sighed deeply. “I should have known. Should have known I was leading you on. Your response was perfectly natural, Ray. I’m the one who’s to blame here. Our relationship has to be platonic Ray. It can’t be anything else.” She walked slowly to the small table by the window and sat in the glow of the city lights shining in.

“Why?” Ray followed her and knelt next to her, in the same dim light. “Tell me why.”

“You know about some of my past, but you don’t know the whole story. I guess it’s about time I told you the rest.” She flashed Ray a look he could not interpret. “You might want to get comfortable, this is a long story.” Jeanette remembered the last time she had made a confession to Ray, and how scared she was to even speak the words. Now she was at peace with what she was about to say.

“I've never been with a man when…when I wasn’t being forced, or,” he could barely hear her next words, “or paid.”

Ray pulled the other chair up next to her and silently waited for her to begin. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear this, he thought he’d heard about as much as he could stand about her past that night at Frobisher's cabin. But he had to know why, why she wouldn’t let him kiss her, and what the hell she’d meant about being ‘paid’.

She began slowly, but not with the halting voice he remembered from the cabin. Ray was very glad this had become at least a little easier to talk about. “My uncle wasn’t very smart, leaving me for dead in that alley the way he did. When they found me there was no way I would have survived without being taken to a hospital, so there was just no way my family could get around not having me assigned to a social worker. It’s really kind of funny, I don’t even remember her name, but her boyfriend was a crusading lawyer who thought all police were corrupt. When he heard my story he saw headlines and heads rolling. He just didn’t anticipate the way my uncle’s cop buddies would close ranks to protect him…” Her voice trailed off, this wasn’t quite as easy as she had thought it would be.

After a couple of deep breaths she began again. “My lawyer was a child advocate, long before anyone knew or cared much about the rights of minors. He was appalled at what was happening to me and tried his best to protect me. I realize now that he was also seeing lots of publicity and a big settlement from the city. But whatever his motivation, in the end it didn’t do any good. We went to trial, but it ended up being the whole police department and…and my…mother against…” Jeanette paused just briefly, “against me.

“I don’t remember exactly what the judge said when my uncle was found not guilty, but I do remember the courtroom erupted in pandemonium. I walked out and no one followed me. I had just turned seventeen two days before, and no one on this earth gave a…no one cared if I lived or died.

“We were about sixty miles or so outside of LA, so I just kept walking west. I don’t remember how I got to Hollywood Blvd., but I do remember sleeping in an alley near Vine St for a few nights. God, it was cold! I didn’t think it ever got that cold in Southern California. When this guy named Mike offered me a place to stay I jumped at the chance. I didn’t realize there were strings attached.”

Ray sighed, he knew exactly where she was heading. He’d heard the story before, lots of times. Naive young kids, lonely, broke, nowhere to go, were sitting ducks for the Mike’s of this world. He wanted desperately to reach back in time and pull her out of there.

“He started pulling the strings about a week after he let me crash at his place. I owed him he said, and I needed to start earning my keep. Food wasn’t cheap, or lights or heat for that matter. The first time he introduced me to one of his ‘friends’ I cried all night. At first the guy thought it was cute, and wanted to play ‘doctor’, help the little girlie with her boo-boos. Then he got bored and slapped me whenever I cried. When he was finally done with me he refused to pay. He said I wasn’t worth a dime. So then Mike slapped me around for a while.

“I learned very quickly that it was easier and far less painful to submit to the sex rather than get beat up every night. I got very good at what I did. I learned how to be with a man physically, but never mentally. I learned that it was indeed possible to be in two different places at once, one place where my body was, and another place far away for my mind. I also had it reinforced to me over and over again just how worthless a human being I was.

“I never stopped looking for a way to get away from Mike. But he had lots of girls on the streets, and we were required to keep an eye on each other. If one of us tried to run, he took it out on all of us. It was hell on earth, for about six months.”

Ray could almost believe she was just telling a story, she didn’t seem to be talking about herself anymore. It was almost as if she were recounting the life of someone she used to know, but who no longer existed. 

“One day the sky just opened up and there was a way for me to get out. I just started walking again, and to this day I don’t know whether anyone followed me or not.”

Jeanette hesitated for several moments, but Ray did not interrupt. He knew she still had a lot of ground to cover, and he needed to let her continue.

When she began again there was a slight difference in her voice. Some of the darkness was gone. “I hitchhiked up the coast. Somewhere north of Santa Barbara I met a man who changed my life. His name was Billy. He stopped along the side of the road in a cloud of dust and a dilapidated old truck and offered me a ride. I learned later that the only thing in the world older than that truck was Billy.” Jeanette smiled slightly at the memory.

“He asked me if I was ‘gonna kill’ him, and I asked him if he ‘wanted sex’ in payment for the ride. The answer to both questions was ‘no’. I rode in the back of the pickup for a couple of hours. It turned out he owned a diner as dilapidated as his truck, and he offered me a place to sleep. Of course I was prepared to run, until I saw where the sleeping arrangements were. He gave me a sleeping bag and pillow and pointed to the shed where he usually kept the truck. I could not ever remember being in a place where I felt so safe as I slept.”

Ray could tell that Jeanette wasn’t really with him any more, but he wasn’t sure who she was speaking to. She had gone back ten years to relive a time that she had long since driven from her mind. “The next day Billy asked me if I was on the run from the law or was involved in drugs. When I told him I was clean and had never been arrested for anything, he offered me a job. It would be the first money I had ever earned that involved doing anything other than lying on my back.

“I worked at Billy’s Diner for several weeks before I finally told him a little bit about my past, and bless his heart, all he was concerned about was the fact I hadn’t graduated from high school. So we made a deal, he would let me stay as long as I wanted, work part time for room and board, and I would finish school.” 

Jeanette returned to the present long enough to look at Ray and smile. “No strings… absolutely no strings.

“School had never been a problem, scholastically at least. It took me less than a year to get in enough classes to graduate. I don’t know who was prouder, Billy or me. We even began talking about my going to college, but…” Her voice became shaky, and Ray thought Jeanette was about to cry. “I’d been working at the diner a little over a year when Billy died. He knew he was sick, but the sweet old coot never said a word. He was the only decent human being I had ever known.”

Tears streamed down her creeks and she could not continue. Ray put his arm around her shoulders and tried his best to come up with something coherent to say. “Sounds like he was a really good guy.”

Jeanette sighed, “you ain’t heard nothin’ yet.” She sniffed a couple of times and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “I wasn’t sure what I was going to do next when Billy’s lawyer came to see me. Turns out he had a will and I was in it. So the attorney asked me to hang around a couple of days, until the relatives could be gathered for the reading. I knew that he had family, a couple of kids that wanted nothing to do with the old guy, and a sister in San Francisco, or somewhere.

“Sweet old Billy was rich, well semi-rich, but he left a whole lot more money than I’d ever seen. He left the bulk of his estate, $250,000 to his kids, with some bequest to his sister, and he left me $50,000 and the diner. His children grumbled about their father giving any money to the ‘bimbo’ but could care less about the diner. His daughter called it a ‘nasty old thing’ that belonged to a ‘nasty old man’. I wanted to kick her!

“After all the papers were signed the ‘relatives from hell’, as the attorney called them, couldn’t wait to get out of there, but the attorney, Mr. Douvia, asked me to hang around for a minute. He’d been Billy’s attorney and confidant for years, and he just wanted to tell me that Billy had really cared about me. It meant a great deal to me to know that Billy cared for me, no one else ever had.

“Before I could leave, Mr. Douvia handed me a letter. He smiled and told me to have a seat, that I would be shocked at what I read. Billy left the diner to me for a reason, it was worth a lot of money, and he didn’t want his money grubbing family to get any part of it. Actually the Diner wasn’t worth the cost of the powder to blow it up, but the land it sat on was worth a bundle. Billy wanted me to sell it and use the money to go to college. He thought I had a bright future…I got almost a million dollars for the diner.”

Ray whistled through his teeth. “Was bout time things started lookin’ up for ya. That old guy really –”

Jeanette looked directly into Ray’s eyes. “I’d give back every penny if I could have Billy back. I’ve missed him every day since he died.”

Ray rubbed her upper arm with the hand he had draped over her shoulder, for comfort, but primarily because he could think of nothing else to do.

“Anyway, I left town, but this time I didn’t walk. I took the train to Chicago and was accepted to Northwestern. I never had any thought of being anything other than a doctor. Nothing would deter me from my course.”

“And you succeeded.”

“Well…not exactly.” Ray felt her tremble slightly and was completely confused. “I had intended to work exclusively with abused children and chose pediatrics as my specialty. But when it came to actually working with little girls who had been sexually abused…I …I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face those sweet faces so hurt and scared…so much like I was. I couldn’t bear seeing myself reflected in their eyes. So I withdrew from private practice and hid in research. That way I didn’t have to confront anyone…or anything.”

Ray felt her almost wither in his grasp. She shrank in on herself, but just momentarily. Within seconds she straightened up and took a deep breath. “I would have been content to spend the rest of my life that way, hidden from contact with the world, and hidden from myself, except one day there was a fire downstairs from my office. As a direct result of that fire I met the second and third most decent men I have ever known.” She turned to look at Ray. “And that man, that third man I met, had as much impact on my life as Billy had. Billy gave me a place to hide when I needed it more than any thing else in life. And you instinctively knew that I had hidden enough.” Jeanette kissed Ray on the cheek. 

“What you see before you is a product of the caring of two men, and the love of one God.”

Now Ray felt that he might cry. But he still did not have an answer to his question.

“After we came back to Chicago, after we knew Ben would be okay, I should have kept in touch with you.” She continued to look him directly in the eye. “You mean a lot to me Ray, and not just because you helped save me. You are a passionate, warm, loving man, and you need a woman who can return those things to you.” She turned away and hung her head. “I can’t. I wish I could.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I've been healed, Ray. Physically and spiritually healed. But I am emotionally, I don’t know, stunted, I guess. I can’t feel anything much for anyone. I love God with all my heart, and I feel a little bit of love, I guess, for the human race. But I am not capable of returning the passion you deserve. It wouldn’t be fair to you, or me, for us to have a relationship that we both know would fail.”

“That's not –”

“Think about it, Ray and you’ll see I’m right. If I were able to love you, I’d jump at the chance. I don’t know why God has seen fit to leave me this way, but I would never question His will. That’s why I'm leaving –”

“What? Where in the Hell are you running off to now?” Ray felt anger at the injustice of what was happening and hurt that she would leave him just as they were discovering each other.

“I’m going back to LA. I’ve been asked to work with the Pediatric AIDS Foundation. They need doctors there, Ray, and I feel I can –”

“Yer running away again! Stay here ‘n we can work this thing out. We can work anything out. I need ya here!” As quickly as his anger had flashed Ray felt it drain away. Something very deep inside him told him she was right. He didn’t like it, and did not want to accept it, but he knew they were meant to be friends, dear friends, nothing more.

“I’ll always care for you Ray, on many levels. But I have to go, there’s nothing else to do. I’m not running away, Ray, at least not from you. I’ve been planning this for several months.”

Ray didn’t look at her as he whispered, “when do ya leave?”

“Next week.”

____________________________________

Ray looked out the window to see the taxi waiting at the curb. He didn’t want to look back into the nearly empty apartment. Nearly empty except for two large suitcases, a laptop computer case and a small bag that Jeanette laughingly called a purse. The only thing missing was Jeanette, who was making a last minute sweep to ensure she hadn’t forgotten anything. Ray was sure that everything else was gone, he’d helped pack, and supervised the movers. No one person could possibly own anything else.

“Jeanette! Taxi’s here.” Ray had no idea why he was yelling at her to hurry, when he didn’t want her to go at all. He knew in his head that she was doing the right thing, but his heart just hadn’t caught up yet. 

Jeanette walked slowly toward the front of the apartment. Over the last couple of days they’d been so busy getting her ready to go, she hadn’t had to face the fact that she was leaving her closest friend behind. She smiled at the irony of it. Ray was probably the closest friend she had ever had, he certainly knew more about her than any other human being, even her doctor. And now she was leaving, moving halfway across a continent, just as they were getting so close. But she knew to her very soul that what she was doing was right. It wasn’t easy, but it was right. She almost laughed out loud, since when was anything about her life easy?

Ray stood near the front window, surrounded by the last of her worldly possessions, looking extremely forlorn. “Yer really gonna do this aren’t ya?”

She walked up to him and right in to his arms. “Ray, we’ve been over this a hundred times. There are telephones, highways and airplanes, and if all else fails there is the US mail. I am not falling off the end of the world. We will keep in touch!” Knowing she would not lose contact with Ray was the only thing keeping her going.

Ray released his tight hold on her, and in a valiant attempt to control the tears he felt gathering in his eyes, started gathering luggage. “Yer sure ya don’t want me ta drive?” He offered for the umpteenth time even though he really didn’t want to say good-bye at in a very public airport.

Jeanette just sighed. “We’ve been over this too. It’s easier this way.” Easier and somehow more final.

“Okay then, let’s get at ‘er.”

The driver loaded her stuff into his trunk as Ray and Jeanette stood awkwardly on the sidewalk. “Ya gonna be good?” He brushed an errant lock of hair over her shoulder, averting his eyes from her face.

“I’m always good.” Jeanette rubbed the back of her hand over his cheek. “You’ll call?”

“Soon as ya get a phone.”

“Promise me you’ll talk to Ben?”

“God, you really don’t let a guy off the hook, do ya? I promise!”

“Goodbye, Ray.” In all her life leaving had been the easiest part, until this minute.

“Bye,” was all he could manage to say. They stared at each other for several moments before Jeanette turned and silently got into the taxi. 

Ray couldn’t see her tears as he stared after the taxi, slowly making its way into traffic. 

____________________________________

He stood on the deserted sidewalk and stared after the taxi as it slowly receded into the distance. It took several moments for him to become aware of the figure standing behind him. As the awareness sunk in a man’s hand settled on his shoulder.

Without taking his eyes off the taxi growing ever smaller in the distance, Ray quietly acknowledged the other man’s presence. “Hiya, Fraser.”

“Hello, Ray.” Fraser stared in the same general direction as Ray. “Are you okay?”

Still staring into the distance, searching desperately for the yellow vehicle he could no longer see, Ray answered. “Been better.” The hand on his shoulder squeezed just slightly. 

Suddenly Ray turned to frown at Fraser. “’N I’ve been worse.” He hung his head. “Ya shoulda told me, Fraser. Ya shoulda…” 

It was Fraser’s turn to hang his head and study his boots. “I know, Ray. I'm sorry. I should have told you. I don’t know why I…”

Somehow knowing that Fraser regretted what had happened made everything all right. Ray was no longer angry with Fraser for not telling him about his relationship with Meg, and now knew Fraser was not angry with him for reacting the way he did. “Yeah, well, it’s done." Ray suddenly began to grin. "Ya shoulda, now ya can."

“I don't understand.”

“Tell me about you ‘n Thatch…Meg.”

“Ray! I hardly think –”

“God, Fraser. Not the gory details! I just wanna know when and where, stuff like that.”

“Well, Ray,” as soon as Fraser started talking Ray regretted ever asking. He knew he was in for another of Fraser’s long, very long, detailed, oh, so detailed stories. But that made him smile. Fraser was telling him stories again, and all was right with the world. “It all began with Turnbull’s misguided attempt…”

The two friends turned and walked away – together.

The End

Note: In case anyone was wondering, the restaurant at the Hyatt Regency in Chicago actually is named Stetson’s Chop House. It's a Kung Fu/Karma kinda thing!


End file.
